Dusty Returns From Off-Season In Career-Best Shape

Following a seemingly endless off-season that stretched well into the month of September, easily the longest of his career, Dustin Martin has hit the ground running at the beginning of the US party season with a string of all-nighters and high-profile nightclub appearances.

“Glad that’s out of the way,” said the midfielder, referring to 26 weeks of chasing a ball around a field in preparation for what shapes as a defining summer of his career. “My skin-folds have never been better and I feel like I can go all night, has anyone seen Swanny?”

Onlookers were quick to comment on Martin’s condition, with several nightclub promoters observing that the crowd favourite was “burning up the dancefloor” and was setting a great example to younger party-goers with his eager and “wide-eyed enthusiasm.”