Injury List: Shaun Hampson Placed On Modified Rooting Program

A lingering back injury has sidelined Richmond’s Shaun Hampson yet again, with the luckless big man set to miss a big chunk of the season and club doctors demanding that he refrains from really getting his fuck on for at least four-to-six months.

“Some light work in the pool is fine and if you want to get some gentle sex swings or other apparatus involved that’s ok too, but anything that unleashes the full force of a no-holds-barred fuckfest carries a very real risk of a recurrence of injury,” said Richmonds high-performance manager Peter Burge. “We need to be patient here.”

Hampson has experienced a difficult run with his body since crossing from Carlton in 2013, but this is the first time that an injury has hindered his capacity as an omnipotent love-machine. He is targeting a return in late July, when partner Megan Gale has a romantic date night planned followed by a stay in the penthouse suite at Crown Casino.