Shane Mumford Orders 25 Bags Of “Bavarian Cocaine”

Shane Mumford has placed a massive order for a German substance described as a “Bavarian Cocaine,” determined to find out to whether it does in fact, work as a stimulant in humans.

“I’ll get to the bottom of this,” said the ruckman and boxer, who was rookie-listed by the Giants during last year’s draft period. “You learn nothing pussy footing around the edges with a small sniff here and there, let’s clear the coffee table and see what all the fuss is about.”

The substance is of great interest to the AFL, who were told it is legal and completely harmless when a video surfaced of Port Adelaide superstar Jack Watts snorting it off a women’s chest during Oktoberfest last year, where it can be bought and sold over the counter legally.

“It’s probably still purer than the shit we get here,” said Mumford. “Now, no more questions, I’ve got work to do.”