Cost Of Living Drives Weakened, Malnourished Tony Lockett Back To Sydney Swans

After 14 years fending for himself in the harsh economic climate of the world’s most expensive metropolis, a gaunt, severely weakened Tony Lockett has returned to his former employer with hands outstretched in desperate need of food, water, and a job to provide for his family.

“You blokes still got that COLA thing around here?” muttered the panting, exhausted former spearhead when he turned up at the door before collapsing in a heap.

Club medicos confirmed ‘Plugger’ exhibited clear signs of malnourishment, most likely due to an extended period without everyday staples like high-end French champagne and freshly shucked oysters.

“He looked like he’d come from weeklong bender at Revolver, but we quickly got him on an IV drip and he’s now looking a little stronger,” said Sydney coach John Longmire.